What's Love Got To Do With It?

We have a rather delicate problem in our neighborhood. A couple who live down the street from my house want to get married. Now, I have no problem with "those people" living in my neighborhood. I don’t know them, but they seem to be decent enough. The problem is … well, their life style isn’t exactly what many of us view as ... normal. If they want to live together, that's okay with me, but why do they have to get married?

They’re Presbyterians. Yeah, I know what many people would say to me. What right do I have to prevent Presbyterians from getting married? Well, first of all, you have to agree that if we allow them to get married, the next thing they’ll want is the right to adopt children or even to have one on their own. What next? Buy a house? Get a dog? It's disgusting!

Allowing this marriage could easily condone other forms of deviant behavior. Should we allow Jews to marry Baptists? Old men to marry young women? Americans marrying Canadians? Seriously, where would it end? Legalizing this union would undermine the institution of marriage, but this is only the beginning. Divorces would become commonplace. The nuclear family would be destroyed, family values would be undermined and the children would suffer, marital privacy would become a thing of the past, and the legal problems associated with work environments will become a social nightmare.

Okay, okay ... maybe I'm being a little harsh on Presbyterians. After all, some of my best friends are Presbyterians. I like them. I really do. And I "tolerate" their existence in society. I'm a very tolerant person.

But many people are truly scared over what would happen if we allow willy-nilly unions of Presbyterians. Think I'm exaggerating? Do an internet search and read the arguments against them getting married. Our children would be forced to recite nursery rhymes of Calvin and Jill going up the hill. Boy Scouts would be forced to take showers with older Presbyterians. Our streets would no longer be safe. Presbyterian doctrine would spread across the globe and nations would crumble under the moral decay. The redefinition of marriage would prompt other deviant life styles, revitalize polygamy, encourage bestiality, and justify child abuse.

Really ... what IS the problem? If two people love each other and want to get married, why does it bother people so much? The arguments against Presbyterian marriage are painfully reminiscent of those made in the recent past against other marriages. Virginia's laws prohibiting marriage between whites and blacks weren't declared unconstitutional until 1967. South Carolina didn't overturn their laws against mixed marriage until 1998, and Alabama's weren't overturned until 2000.

So what does define marriage? Many states allow marriages between cousins. Marrying one's aunt or uncle is likewise allowed. Some states allow girls as young as 13 years old (with family court approval) to get married. How do we define "normal"? It's considered normal to get married, get divorced, get married, get divorced, get married ... there is no law limiting how many times one can promise to spend eternity with someone else.

Traditional marriages in this world include arranged marriages, spouses purchased from other countries, and even polygamy. The world doesn't have a problem with 95 year old men marrying 16 year old girls. You can go to Las Vegas and have an Elvis impersonator marry you to a hooker, while still preserving the sanctity of marriage. Even convicted murderers in our prisons get married.

But the arguments continue. Presbyterians can't procreate and hence shouldn't get married! Okay, then let's force everyone to take a fertility test for all marriages.

Children need pair-ents. Ah, well then, what do we do with all those single parents out there? If your spouse dies, we'll just have to take that kid away!

Children raised by Presbyterians will become Presbyterians! Really? If all our marriages are currently Baptist and Catholic and Methodist, etc ... where are all those Presbyterians coming from?

Finally, the big one ... it's unnatural! Unnatural, eh? Okay, let's ban everything "unnatural". Let's ban artificial hearts, eyeglasses, surgery, prosthetic limbs, in vitro fertilization, antibiotics, Viagra, fertility drugs, Botox, and hip and knee replacements. That would be the "natural" thing to do.

All right, I'm convinced! Let them get married! I mean, why should anyone care if two people in love who just happen to be Presbyterian want to ... what? Gays? You want me to talk about gays getting married?

Well, that's a horse of a different preference. No, no ... I'll have to defer to the deep wisdom of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger who once said, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."